Breakthrough

It's amazing how everything can change with a phone call. After trying for months to make something happen and trusting in God to release a blessing on me I finally got a seed of hope. After resolving within myself to pray hard and expect a blessing I finally had a breakthrough. I got a phone call from a potential employer wanting to interview me for a job and my spirit was lifted. I knew that it was the will of God appearing in my life. I was so happy and so relieved. I was all nervous and jittery with excitement. I could finally feel the Lord moving things in my favor.

Not long after that phone call I received another phone call, this time not an interview but a job. I was offered another job that I could immediately begin working when I got to back to Florida. Thank you God! An interview is great but I would have been there for that one interview and still wouldn't have a job or any money. So this was pretty good. There was more to consider though. I needed money in order to be able to move. I'd need money for gas and money for a place to stay until I got paid.

I open my email and there's an email from another employer about doing some urgent work. I thought, perfect. I could make the money that I needed to fund my move. I could make enough to pay my bills, pay for gas, and pay for a place to stay until I got paid. Everything was working out and it was amazing. I thank God profusely and told anyone who would listen about God working right now in my life. For the first time in months I felt a sense of comfort and I could really smile.

Well you know what happens when you start trying to make plans.. yeah God laughs. Things are now becoming super difficult and I'm asking the Lord once again to move something in my favor. I'm trying to sell as much of my stuff as I can so I can have some money just to pay for gas. I don't want to have to borrow any money but the urgent work that I was hired to do apparently became not urgent. I'm still waiting around for that work to begin so I can have some money to just be able to get to Florida. It makes me super nervous that I'm gonna be on my way to my mom's house, 6 hours away, and I'm gonna stop for gas and I'm not going to be able to use my credit card and I won't have any money in my checking account. I'm going to have to try and borrow money from my brother again. So embarrassing but I will repay it.

To compound my stress I've been trying to sell my things because 1) I realize that I don't need any of it 2) I can't take it with me and 3) I really need the money. This has been a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Luckily, I've been able to sell enough to pay my bills but I'm going to need a lot more. I just want to be able to go a day without having to worry about money. God has blessed, is blessing me, and will bless me.

Break

I think I've finally reached my breaking point. Right now its looking pretty hopeless and I'm finding it very difficult to see any good. I've tried to do what I thought was right but nothing has gone my way lately. I've tried to remain faithful but it seems that it's not going to make a difference. I'm trying to be strong but I'm losing hope. I can't really see a way out of this situation. Anytime I get some more bad news I just pray harder. Read the bible a little more. Tell another person about God. None of this is seeming to make much of  a difference though. I just wish I knew what I was supposed to do if I'm not already doing it. I'm seriously running out of time and I need God to rescue me. I don't know what he's preparing me for and I don't know how much more I have to go through but I really hope that this is nearing an end.

Blessings

So for a few days now I've been harping on the negative things in my life and trying to look on the brighter side of them but now I'm done. Let me take the time to count my blessings and thank God for all the wonderful things that I have to look forward to.

I'm going to be able to go home to spend some much needed time with my family. I love my family. We're not the closest family and that's partly my fault because I'm never home. I moved away for college and rarely came home, even on holidays and summer vacation. There was a very very long drive and not much joy at the end of it. It was not really where I wanted to be most of the time. But I've matured now and I see that you just have to take your family as they are and love them anyway. They are really the only family you get and you have to cherish them. So thank you God for giving me my family back.

I'm going to start a new career very soon. I don't know what that career is and that makes me a little nervous but I know that God has something great in store for me. When one thing doesn't work out you just have to find the strength and determination to pick yourself up, make a new plan, and keep moving forward. Don't dwell on the disappointments or the setbacks because they are not what God wants for you. Your mistakes will be remedied, you failures will be forgotten, your disappointments will be overcome. The future is very very bright and I know that. I've been through a lot this year but I know that my time has come. Thank you God for every step along this path, even the steps where I've fallen down and twisted my ankle, cause you were there every time to pick me up and dust me off. And if I needed it, you were there to carry me when I couldn't walk.

I'm finding love. For one of the first times I can remember in my life, I am actually at the right place at the right time. When things seemed hopeless and I just didn't feel like I should even keep looking I took a step back. I wasn't looking to start anything with anyone. I was gonna enjoy working my charm and smile but I wasn't going to pursue anyone. I enjoy flirting with girls but I didn't get into relationships. I had fallen in love with one girl who hurt me really badly. Amazingly enough, I'm actually still friends with her. I guess you could call us friends. She was the only girl that I was ever sure that I was in love with but for many many reasons we were not together. I pretty much figured if I can't have her I just won't have anyone. I was gonna stop looking and just start enjoying life. Well, along came Sam. Sam has been everything that other girl wasn't. It has been fun, and sweet, and emotional, and completely right. It has been exactly what I need at a time that I most need it. So thank you God, for leading me to a real love, a real woman. I know it won't always be easy, it hasn't been easy but it is definitely worth it.

I've found God. For many many years I had decided that God was real and he was watching over me but I wasn't going to be religious. Still to this day I don't actively practice a particular religion. I hope that's okay with God because I do love the Lord. What I have not liked is church or organized religion. I did go to church earlier in life and it laid the foundation for my beliefs. I was raised as a Baptist in Mississippi. I don't go to church now but I definitely have more of a relationship with God now than when I did. I talk to God daily and I trust that he is leading my path and helping me make decisions. I make the best decisions I can and when I feel that I have made a mistake I pray that he will redeem me. So far it really has been one of those be careful what you ask for things coupled with he may not come when you want him but he's always on time things. I have been able to look back over some rough times and seen that he does provide for me. He lets me fall and then he picks me up and he doesn't do this to toy with me but to teach me. To prepare me for the rougher times ahead. To make sure that I'm ready and I can handle whatever the world throws at me. His faith and belief in me is stronger than what I have in myself. He knows what I'm capable of and he's showing me everyday. So I thank God for believing in me so much and I know this because he never gives you more than you can handle and based on what he's giving me so far he really things I can handle a lot.

These are just a broad description of what I'm thankful for, love, family, my career, and my relationship with God. I will definitely appreciate all these things more and will share them with the world. I'm very blessed and I know it. Hopefully, you can look at your own life now, despite any doubts and disappointments that you may have and realize that you are blessed as well.

Sam 2

What can I really say about this girl? Beautiful, smart, funny, sweet.. and totally in to me. Good, she's not the only one. She's been a light in a time of darkness. I know it's pretty early but I know that I would do anything for her. She's taken the time to get to know me inside and now she knows the outside too. The candy coated shell. I feel much better about the situation now. I think this is going to be one of those relationships that makes you believe in the goodness of people again. That not everyone is sneaky and devious but some people really are genuine and true and loving. Thank you, Sam.

Endure

Testing, testing, 1, 2


So I got a question. Do you know where your breaking point is? Do you know how long you can hold out? How long you can endure? If you knew when the testing would stop, could you hold out just a little longer? Could you endure just a little more? 


I ask these questions not of you but of myself. I wonder how much longer it is that I have to endure. I wonder just how much more I'm going to have to suffer. I'm wondering how much more of a price I'm going to have to pay. I'm wondering how much more faith I'm gonna have to have. I'm wondering how much more patience I'm going to have to show. 


If I just could see the light at the end of the tunnel, the silver lining around the cloud, the greener side of the fence, it would be ok. I would be calmer. I wouldn't have all these thoughts churning around in my head and these butterflies circling inside my belly. I could focus on what is to come and how I'm going to fit into my own life. Right now I'm still in the middle of the storm, still tied to the torture rack, still blindfolded and being beaten. Still wondering when will it all be over.


Only the strong survive, the race is not given to the swift nor the strong be he who endures until the end. I certainly hope so. After all the testing that I have had to endure I hope that in the end I will be left standing and be stronger and greater than i was before. 

Footprints

During the trying times in life, you can feel that you are completely alone. You're doing everything you can think of to turn everything around. Nothing seems to be going your way. Where is God? Why isn't he helping you? Is he really gonna let you fail? These are the toughest times of your life and you have nowhere to turn and no one to turn to. Seriously, where is God?

According to this poem, he's not only there with you, he's carrying you through it. He's providing you more support that you ever imagined. In the invisible of course. Why doesn't he make himself visible to us? Why doesn't he come out of the shadows and say hey kid, here I am? Don't worry about a thing, I got you! Why is it only after the drama is over do you get a clue that he was there the whole time? Doesn't he realize how many more people would eagerly follow him if he just made himself visible to us?

Most of us spend so much time trying to figure out if he's really there and what does he want from us that we become skeptical. There are millions of people who just don't want to be made a fool of. Believing in something or someone that doesn't really exist. How can you trust in something you don't see? Most people compare this to the air. You can't see air but you know it's there. You can see the effects of it. Can you really feel the effects of God? I mean you have to rely on faith that he even exists and then rely on miracles to say that he even caress.

Day to day you pray to him and ask him to guide your way and bless you. Does he really hear he? Do you ever hear him? Does he ever answer? Is he really moving things or do things just happen? Does he really move in mysterious ways or is that just something we tell ourselves to quell our anger? We're supposed to rely on something we can't see to explain what we don't understand. It makes my brain hurt. I'm sure God knows what he's requiring of us even if we don't think it's fair.

He says that he is with us always, that he knows our thoughts before we even know them. That he knows our hearts and he has a plan for our lives. Why doesn't he let us in on all of this? We spend our entire lives trying to figure out who we are and what the purpose of life is. I swear if those things were revealed I wouldn't have to spend so much time thinking and struggling through life. Of course it's our experiences and our decisions that ultimately determine who we are and what we will be but if there is a cheat sheet I'd love to sneak a peek at it sometime. I'm just saying.

Lucky

I know you can't control how you feel. You don't choose who you fall in love with. And love is always a risk. I went the first 27 years of my life thinking that I would never fall in love with anyone and then she came along. She was wonderful in the beginning. Everything that I ever said I wanted in a girl. And she seemed to think the world of me too. So what else was I gonna do but fall for her.

I kept telling myself that the feeling would go away. That I just liked her because of the attention that she gave me and the rest was just physical attraction. I didn't really love her. When I started to realize that I was completely wrong I tried to spend less time with her to avoid saying anything. The feelings were gonna go away right? right? WRONG. Just made me want her more. But did she feel the same way. Trying to figure that out was harder than walking a tightrope blindfolded..with no net.

So, when I finally decide that my feelings were real and they weren't gonna go away, she pushes me away. We didn't talk for months and then she finally decides that she doesn't want to keep doing this. I don't think either one of us knows why we stopped talking. I have no idea why she changed so much. How did she go from always wanting to be together to being ok with going 3 months without talking to me? Strange and of course she'll never tell me what happen. Needless to say, we're not best friends anymore and I have no idea where we go from here.

Desert

I have been reading The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson. It's a great little story about the journey of a "nobody" from "nowhere" who has a big dream. In pursuit of his big dream, this nobody ends up in a desert wasteland. He feels angry, isolated, and abandoned. He felt that he was given the big dream by the Dream Giver and he trusted in the Dream Giver who was now nowhere to be found when he needed him most. It hearkens back to the Footprints In The Sand poem.

The desert is bleak, dreary, depressing, soul crushing. This desert represents a time in this "nobody's" life when he already gone through so much. He's take a great leap of faith and he's overcome many obstacles only to come to this point where absolutely nothing is going right. He feels that he's made a big mistake in trusting in the Dream Giver and taking such a big risk only to reach this point where all he can see ahead is failure. He had hoped that all that he had already overcome would be the end of his struggles but now trouble surrounded him.

He's desperate and defeated but what he doesn't know is that he's being tested. His faith is being test and he's being molded into someone worthy to accomplish big things. In many ways all of us who have ever strived to do more and be more can relate to this "nobody". We have set out to do things that we didn't know that we were capable of doing but all we know is that it is what we feel we need to accomplish. We have to overcome many obstacles and setbacks and it just seems that there's too much opposition to you making it through but somehow we did it. We accomplished that goal and we feel great. We feel like we have a new beginning and the life we've always dreamed of can finally begin.

Therein lies the rub. This is a new beginning because life keeps moving forward and you have to keep adapting to it. Unfortunately, as you are well aware and God knows also, you don't have everything you need to be able to do what you dream of. But don't worry God knows what it takes to refine you and he's gonna set things in motion to prepare you for it. The problem is, he doesn't tell us any of this! He just goes to work because we asked for it and now he's giving it to us. Sure, you're thinking its gonna be a nice, comfortable experience but God seems to like that "I'm going to throw you into the water and you have to sink or swim" philosophy.

Wilkinson sums up the desert experience in this one sentence: When God seems absent and everything is going wrong, will you still trust God enough to patiently allow Him to prepare you for what's ahead? He explains that "God's motive and plan in the WasteLand is to prepare you to become the person who can succeed at your Dream."

Its up to you to recognize that you're in the desert and its up to you to learn the lessons and develop the tools that God knows you need.

Sam

For some reason I wish I was someone else. I'm afraid that I'm not the person that you think I am. I haven't tried to keep anything from you but you've never really asked me anything. Over the course of the last month we've talked almost everyday but you never really asked me anything about myself. I know you think you love me but you don't really know anything about me. On one hand I think it's great because you know me inside. On the other hand you don't know anything about my history, my dreams, my goals, my family. I really hope that what we feel right now will continue but I fear that this is going too far too fast without you knowing some very important things. When you don't ask the questions that need to be asked and I can't think of a way to bring it up, this is where we end up. There are things going on in my mind right now that tell me that once you really know who I am those feelings won't be there anyway. But if that happens, I guess neither one of us really knew each other.

This Too Shall Pass

Every now and again we all have to go through incredibly tough times. 

People always say that trouble comes in 3s right? 
So one bad thing happens, and another one, and another one. 

Whew, that was 3 right? Ok, survived that.

But what happens when they just keep coming? 

What happens when they keep piling up?

What happens when it seems they just won't stop? 

What do you do when you feel like you're about to break?

Some people turn to destructive behavior. 

Some turn to others to bail them out. 

Some people just try to weather the storm by hiding out. 

Some get active and try to find some way to turn things around. 

Some people turn closer to God.

What's the right thing to do? How would you even know the answer? 

All I know is everything runs in cycles. 

You have your ups and you have your downs. 

What goes around comes around. Every dark cloud has a silver lining. 

What goes up must come down.

Remain faithful and believe that trouble doesn't last.

Everything really will be ok. 

There has never been a situation that NEVER ended. 

So just remind yourself when you're dealing with 

disappointment, tragedy, heartbreak, or depression...it doesn't matter, 

this too shall pass.

Risk

One definition of risk is the possibility of incurring misfortune or loss. Possibility is what makes us take a chance. Yes, there is the possibility for loss but there is also the possibility for gain. Some of us are definitely more apt to taking risks than others and some of us like to play it safe. I'm sure you've heard the phrase big risk, big reward. To a large extent that has been my life for the past few months.

I quit my job to help someone start a business. I was careful to try and make sure that no matter what we would at least give it a good effort. We were getting very positive news which made it look like we would be able to go forward and branch out on our own. I didn't know how successful we would be so I really just wanted to get some experience and education from it. For the first time in my life, I would have a job where I wasn't exactly working for someone else. I would have an ownership stake and I would be my own boss. I eventually wanted to be self employed and this was a good way for me to buy some time and get the necessary experience in running a business.

I didn't know how qualified I would be to run a business but it was a risk I was willing to take. If it didn't work out well there, I would still have gained valuable knowledge for the next time I decided to run my own business. So after learning that we had already gotten our first big contract, after our business loan had be approved and scheduled for dispersement, after I had given my previous employer a months notice, after I had told all my family and friends what I was planning to do, after I had prayed repeatedly for this to work out, the day finally came when I was free. This was supposed to be the start of the beginning of a more enjoyable life. I expected some hard times ahead but as long as we tried our best I saw it all as a win.

Well, I had one plan and my partner had another. After I quit, he fell off the face of the planet. Wouldn't answer his phone, wouldn't return my calls, wouldn't return my texts. I'm just left to think, "Is this guy trying to screw me? No, why would he? I've never done anything wrong to him. We were in this together. I'm only trying to help us both out. I'm not trying to screw him. We've talked about this for months and there's so much riding on this. If he's going to screw me I don't know what else I'm going to do. This has to work out."

In the end he did screw me. He would occasionally answer the phone to make more promises about moving forward and actually getting to work but I later find out that he was lying. How are you going to start a business when you've put everything related to it away in storage? How do you just decide to not do something when you get someone else to rely on you and you know they have nothing else to fall back on? What kind of person does that? Why would anyone do that when this person is supposed to be your friend? Not a very good person, or an honest person, or a true friend that's for sure. So in this circumstance, big risk, big failure.

I used to be one of those safety minded, risk averse people. Recently however, I've been really wanting to see big positive changes in my life so I've taken more risks. I've taken these risks after careful thought and deliberation.. and prayer. Even though there is the possibility of loss involved I preferred to think optimistically about my risks. More should I say, I've stepped out in faith. Faith that things would work out well and that God would watch over me and protect me. Faith that God was bringing something good my way.

Taking a leap of faith is scary, terrifying really. I've never been on a trapeze but I imagine I could get the same feeling from flying through the air on a glorified swing with nothing below to separate me from the ground. I've never been locked in a cage with a hungry lion either but there is a similarity in knowing that your life is no longer really in your hands at that moment. It's scary but if you keep doing the same thing, you will keep getting the same results. As much as we would all like to avoid risk, it is necessary to facilitate change.

My risk still hasn't resolved itself yet but I'm trying to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. Even though that business partner still hasn't returned my calls from months ago I'm working on forgiving him. We will never be friends again but I'm going to forgive him. Honestly, I think, and I hope I'm right, when people screw you over is the time when God really steps in and says, "My child, you have been treated wrongly and I will bless you because of it."

I don't know if you ever listen to Dmx but I love this verse where he says "... I'd hate for you to think I took a loss when all I did was shook it off..." It's not bible scripture but it's words to live by. When you suffer this kind of loss because of someone else just shake it off. There's something bigger than you or that loss out there. Maybe I'll stop being as risky from this point forward and have a more solid backup plan but I still want big rewards so I will still take big risks.

Expect

If you're going through a rough time right now and nothing seems to ever go your way, you're in luck. You find that hard to believe? Well, believe it.

Everything in this world exists in balance, homeostasis, equilibrium. Hot/cold, day/night, young/old, good/evil. Agree? Well, if you're having bad times, you have to be in for some good times. Instead of getting down during the "down" periods you should get excited! You should expect that everything will turn around. You should expect an incredible "up" period.

Depending on just how bad the situation is, you should expect a miracle! That's right a miracle. If you remain in faith, you should be able to look back on many other times in your life where you thought life sucked and everything was going wrong and you were just facing one disaster after another. But somehow, some way, you recovered, right? And you're better because of it right?

I like to think of all my heart breaks and disappointments as God's way of preparing me for the future. I've had tons and tons of disappointment but I know they were things that I had to experience to get to where I am now. If you have major setbacks, expect major progress forward. So even though things aren't going exactly as you planned, this is not the end of you.

You will do more than get through it, you will do more than survive it, you will do more than overcome it. Remember, there has to be a balance to your life. Revel in the rough times, keep your head up, stick your chest out, keep your eyes to the heavens and EXPECT A MIRACLE!! You deserve it.

Trust

There is no way of knowing who in your life can be trusted. It's even harder to know who deserves your trust when you try to see the good in everyone. Some people will be your friends until you need them most and that's when you find out that they couldn't be trusted. I know that I haven't intentionally screwed over anyone so it's odd to me when people screw me over. You give people the benefit of a doubt but never fully trust in them. Take everything they say with caution. A lot of people mean well but they themselves don't even know when they're lying.

The biggest part of working through a breach of trust is to actually try to work it out. If you mistakenly screw someone or you lie to them, don't run from them. Face them like an adult and most times you will be forgiven. There is a reason why that person chose to be your friend and there is a reason why they trusted you. If you don't stick around and prove yourself to them you will lose their friendship. You've already lost the trust.

I encourage you all to not promise anything that is outside of your capability to provide. It's nice to daydream and do a little wishful thinking but don't promise anything when you can't deliver. Enough broken promises and you end up just being a liar. Is that how you want people to think of you? As a liar? God hates liars and so do I.