I Should Be...

It's Friday. I should be at work, dreading being at work. I should be thinking about how much fun I'm gonna have doing whatever I have planned to do after my extremely long and boringly exhausting work day. I should be thinking about the gorgeous girl that I'm meeting up with tonight and if this is gonna end up being a good night. I should be thinking about the rest that I'm gonna get over the weekend. I should be thinking about playing golf over the weekend. I should be thinking about hanging out at the pool or playing basketball. There are plenty of other things, much more enjoyable things, that I should be doing and thinking of doing. Instead I'm not thinking of any of these wonderful things. I am however thinking about my future. Distant and immediate. Thinking, worrying, stressing, wondering, contemplating. I don't know how I got here again but I don't wanna be here. Life should be easy and fun and joyful. Still hoping. Still praying.

My Birthday

I'm sure it may seem strange to most people but I turned 30 last month and I didn't celebrate my birthday. Mostly it was due to the fact that I've recently become so overwhelmingly irritated by the rest of the world that i couldn't stand the thought of spending MY birthday pretending to like people. I decided that I would go to Key West instead, alone. I would do something fun, something that I thought would be good for me mentally. And well yeah that didn't exactly go as I planned. I wasn't able to go to Key West but I still didn't spend my birthday with too many people. I would've been completely content to spend a relaxing day at home. Wake up, workout, play some golf, go to bed early. Sounds like an old person I know. So I'm thinking maybe old people don't do this because they're tired and well old but maybe they do things like that because they just know that it's simpler and less trouble to just do something by themselves. Give me about 20-25 years and I'll have a more definite answer for ya.

Breakthrough

It's amazing how everything can change with a phone call. After trying for months to make something happen and trusting in God to release a blessing on me I finally got a seed of hope. After resolving within myself to pray hard and expect a blessing I finally had a breakthrough. I got a phone call from a potential employer wanting to interview me for a job and my spirit was lifted. I knew that it was the will of God appearing in my life. I was so happy and so relieved. I was all nervous and jittery with excitement. I could finally feel the Lord moving things in my favor.

Not long after that phone call I received another phone call, this time not an interview but a job. I was offered another job that I could immediately begin working when I got to back to Florida. Thank you God! An interview is great but I would have been there for that one interview and still wouldn't have a job or any money. So this was pretty good. There was more to consider though. I needed money in order to be able to move. I'd need money for gas and money for a place to stay until I got paid.

I open my email and there's an email from another employer about doing some urgent work. I thought, perfect. I could make the money that I needed to fund my move. I could make enough to pay my bills, pay for gas, and pay for a place to stay until I got paid. Everything was working out and it was amazing. I thank God profusely and told anyone who would listen about God working right now in my life. For the first time in months I felt a sense of comfort and I could really smile.

Well you know what happens when you start trying to make plans.. yeah God laughs. Things are now becoming super difficult and I'm asking the Lord once again to move something in my favor. I'm trying to sell as much of my stuff as I can so I can have some money just to pay for gas. I don't want to have to borrow any money but the urgent work that I was hired to do apparently became not urgent. I'm still waiting around for that work to begin so I can have some money to just be able to get to Florida. It makes me super nervous that I'm gonna be on my way to my mom's house, 6 hours away, and I'm gonna stop for gas and I'm not going to be able to use my credit card and I won't have any money in my checking account. I'm going to have to try and borrow money from my brother again. So embarrassing but I will repay it.

To compound my stress I've been trying to sell my things because 1) I realize that I don't need any of it 2) I can't take it with me and 3) I really need the money. This has been a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Luckily, I've been able to sell enough to pay my bills but I'm going to need a lot more. I just want to be able to go a day without having to worry about money. God has blessed, is blessing me, and will bless me.